 Haven't been able to do anything much but homework lately. The workload is insane! Perspective is about the hardest thing I've ever done! It's something I've never done before and have no idea about it, but on the other hand, it's also so much fun! The challenge is half the reason why I enjoy it so much. I already pulled my first all nighter doing the lineart I posted. Took me a week, it's originally on 11x17 paper. I have lighting due tomorrow and I have no idea what to do. Its so hard to know where to stop and what to put in, I've never had anything like it before! I'm sure I'm going to have to redo it . . . I did it on the computer for easy fixes haha. Freddie's been keeping me company and helping out a ton, too, he's in the class with me. While I see Freddie all the time, I miss my other friends . . . I dont see them nearly enough with this much work.
My other classes are fun, too! I think figure modeling is my favorite, Im taking a picture thursday that Im sure I'll post of my very first sculpture ever! Figure drawing has already helped a ton, too. I'm going to be learning a lot. So far CAPS is review, but I'm sure It'll get better.
Well, that's it for now. I'm sick and i need to go to bed.
I have returned! But I forgot my camera cord . . . so I cannot post pictures like I was planning to. I have to wait until my mom mails it to me. I have started my classes and perspective is awesome! Its an ungodly amount of work, but it looks so cool! I'll post it when I get
I go back tomorrow! I can't wait! Tonight I'm going to enjoy Mexican food and chill.
I thought I'd add some research stuff that I find interesting up here, too. I watched a history channel documentary on the psychology of batman, it was really interesting. It said that Bruce Wayne is the mask, and batman is the real him and that he has some kind of hero complex where he has to right wrongs and all that fun stuff. The coolest part though was when they were talking about batman's enemies and how they actually couldn't be considered criminally insane. Criminally insane is: A mental defect or disease that makes it impossible for a person to understand the wrongfulness of his acts or, even if he understands them, to distinguish right from wrong. Defendants who are criminally insane cannot be convicted of a crime, since criminal conduct involves the conscious intent to do wrong -- a choice that the criminally insane cannot meaningfully make. (http://www.nolo.com/definition.cfm/term/D0330F5D-8018-4E8D-8C487C2F09A501E6) They said something like they knew that they were wrong and simply did them anyways.
I may look more into it later. Kinda interesting, though in my opinion, if you kill someone you should be locked up regardless of your metal state.
Well, I'm a drawing failure. I have no inspiration, and no motivation to do anything at the moment. I'm counting down the days until I go back to san francisco . . . I miss it so bad. I've been trying to see friends while I'm here, but they're all pretty much gone. Not meaning to mope, just saying that this is not normally me and when school starts back up, I will have a lot more to post! Hopefully I wip something up before then >_<
Oh, yeah, still gotta install maya...
 Well, I played in Zbrush some today. I watched my tutorial and I messed around with it. Nothing serious, just the little guy over to the left. I think I'm going to try something more difficult next time. I had a hard time figuring out where all the brushes and stuff were, they moved so much around from zbrush3 to the free zbrush3.1 upgrade that they could have made it a whole different version. But I figured it out, go me! :D
I also finally downloaded photoshop. My copy isnt working right at the moment and I started having photoshop withdraws . . . it was pretty bad. So I downloaded the trial to keep me going until I can get Alex to help me. Greg also offered his help, which is nice :D. I went ahead and photoshoped a picture of me for facebook, apparently people think it's cute, which is always nice! I think it's all photoshop though. I'm really liking this new camera I got for christmas, it's 10 megapixels, which is great for when I want to go in and edit and manipulate stuff. The pictures are really nice. I also like it because I regret the lack of pictures I have from years before and I want to take enough to remember everything and everybody.
I haven't been drawing nearly as much as I should, I've been kind of down (appologies for the last post, that's not what this blog is for, and I'm ashamed to have put it up). I'm going to try and take more time to copy stuff from the art books I got from christmas. Hopefully it will give me some ideas. I love monsters and creatures and really want to concentrate on making more of those, hopefully I can do that with the help of zbrush. I haven't downloaded maya back onto this computer yet, so I'll have to wait on rendering, sadly. But I'm sure I'll get bored enough to set it up fairly soon.
I want to try to color and draw in photoshop some more now that I have it back, too. But we'll see. I'm going to make cookies tomorrow!
I really dont want to start 2009 like this, but I'm writing this right now because I feel I really need to sort myself out. I hate having to write this on this site, but I really don't have anywhere else to put it. I don't even have microsoft word on this computer yet since I just reformatted. No one comes here anyways, so I don't see the harm in posting it. None of my friends will read it, I'm sure.
As stupid and shallow as I feel about this whole subject, I really need to put these thoughts down on "paper" and out of my mind. I desperately need to move on, but I'm having a really hard time doing so. I'm trying, but being home is making it so much harder. I think my friends are getting sick of it it and I am, too, but I just can't get it out of my mind.
Thanksgiving, he slept with me. A week and a half later, he had a new girlfriend. I think that's what hurts the most.
He always said that it meant something between us, even if we weren't dating. We broke up because I left for school and technically only dated for three months, but over the summer it was like we were dating, we visited each other's houses, spent the night, because he lives 2 hours away, hung out, did stuff, and he said he still liked me, and I still liked him. It continued throughout the school year and we were always talking. He told me that he missed me and that he wanted to see me and he even told me he still had feelings for me. He knows that I would never have done anything with him if I didn't have feelings for him, too. That's very important to me.
Then, he got a girlfriend and everything stopped. He stopped saying he missed me. He stopped saying that he wanted to see me, he hasn't even brought it up since I've been home. I don't think that he wants to see me at all. He has basically forgotten about the present that he bought for me, he never tells me to come get it or that he's going to give it to me. Everything just came to a complete halt.
It was like I had been replaced, and completely forgotten. It feels like everything that happened over thanksgiving was fake and that it didn't mean anyting to him, though he told me it did. I feel like I was used, because I know, that if he didn't have a girlfriend that he would be here, and we'd be doing what we were doing on thanksgiving.
Don't get me wrong, I'm truly happy that he got a girlfriend. I really really am. I know that it would have never worked between me and him, especially not with the distance because he's an awful talker. I also know that I probably wouldn't have been happy with him in the long run, even if I hadn't moved away for school. I'm happy that because we could never be, that he can move on and have another girlfriend and that he's happy. I really want him to be happy. And apparently, his girlfriend is happy, too, though I don't know her. And I'm glad for them. I'm just hurt.
It took him less than a week and a half to replace me. Granted he had only met her once before thanksgiving. The way he went about it was very hurtful, too. He didn't tell me, though we talk all the time. I found out on facebook. I knew a couple hours before that he had a girl that he liked because I had asked him about break. He said "dating was a possibility" and then suddenly it was broadcast for the world to see on facebook. I wish that he would have warned me.
I had other reasons but I'm having a hard time remembering them. The main this is that I feel used, replaced, and forgotten. That's my real problem. I think I just realized that from writing it down.
Everyone keeps telling me I can do better, my parents are glad (they say he's socially inept), but honestly, he was great. He helped me get over my fear of people, he boosted my self confidence, I have actually worn a bikini and started wearing tank tops and shorts since dating him. He helped me when I went to San Fran. He told me to get out of my room and meet people. So I did. And now I have a ton of great friends. He's done more. Maybe I can find someone better, but I really don't know. I have to keep looking and trying. And I am.
I keep saying that I'm over him and that I'm moving on, but after my break down last night from hearing him on the phone and knowing that he was making out with his girlfriend as the new year's ball dropped, and that right now just thinking about that brings me to tears, I'm not over him. I'm trying to move on, and my head is on my side, but my heart is not. Its not like me to be this sappy, but at the moment, I can't help it.
Being replaced so quick also makes me wonder about myself. Wondering what's wrong with me. I look at myself, and I don't always feel pretty. I feel fat and ugly and scarred. I feel like I have to do my hair and my make up (now that I own some) to look presentable. It makes me feel a little better about myself. I need every little push I can get lately. And I feel lame to say that. I've got self confidence, a lot more than I used to have for sure, but at the same time, I just don't feel good enough.
In the end, I just wish that I were with him now. Not dating, but I miss him so bad. I feel as though he was supposed to be with me on New Years, not with his new girlfriend. And I know that's selfish and I hate that I feel that way, but that's what I had imagined for break. The two of us hanging out. I was really really looking forward to seeing him this break. I feel as though he's been my connection to home. I talk to him more than even Angela and KC and now I can't even see him. Earlier he said it was alright if I came and visited, but he hasn't brought it up since. When people ask me about it, I say stupid reasons like "I don't want to anger his girlfriend" but really, I don't know if I could handle it. I'm afraid to see him at MSU, especially if he has his girlfriend in hand. I don't want to do anything stupid like cry and be a baby. I know I am one, but I still don't want to flaunt my cry baby-ness.
In the end, I know this was better for me. Otherwise I'd be attached to him and instead of moving on, I'd be clinging to his arm. But once again, that's my head, not my heart talking.
I also almost don't want that present that he has for me anymore. He promised it to me in October, said that he'd mail it and that I wasn't allowed to ask him about it anymore because I was annoying. After a few weeks, I asked him if he had forgotten about it. He said that his box was too big, so he couldn't mail it. I told him to buy a box for a dollar at the UPS store. He said he didn't know where the post office was. There is one in the Student Union of the school. He said he didn't know how, that he'd never done it before. You just take it there and they do the rest. He just didn't bother to send it to me. He didn't care enough. He said that I would have to wait until Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving came and he left it at school, so he couldn't give it to me. Then he wouldn't mail it, so he said I had to wait until Christmas. Now Christmas has come and gone and he has no want to even see me. I don't want it at this point. I Just don't care. I'm going to give him his gift from me in a couple weeks when I visit my old school and expect him to leave his supposed present at home so he can't give it to me again.
I'm just hurt, plain and simple. It hurts to think that hes so happy with her right now and has forgotten all about me. It hurts to know that she's also extraordinarily happy with him. And I'm so happy for him, and I always knew that he would get a new girlfriend and that he would move on, as would I, and that if it was meant to be, it'd happen. But it happened so soon. It amazes me at how fast he flipped. From missing and caring to completely forgetting in a week and a half's time.
Cori stupidly called him while I was drunk last night and tried to get me to talk to him. After I found out it was him, the signal faded and I gave her back her phone. She called again, but I wouldn't talk to him. I was crying on Angela's shoulder, hearing his voice again and knowing he was with her was too much for my drunken self. He said he'd talk to me today. Maybe he was too drunk to remember, he said that he had some drinks. Or maybe he just won't call.
I really hope that he doesn't call, but at the same time, I hope he does. I'm a hopeless case.
 I made this guy today because I had an urge to draw. I've been wanting to draw more monsters and creatures. I love them and I wish I were so much better at drawing them than I am . . . Anyways, he was fun and I name his species Micgrie!
Site Update: I set up the pages under Scribbles and MovingImages. There isn't much there right now, but I'll be adding more as time goes on. I plan on doing a lot of work over break. The site's really small and simple, but I like it that way. I also want to start of as fresh as possible, so I'm using as few old images and stuff as I can and just going to add on as I go. I think it's time I've moved on from my old stuff and look forward more.
Currently. . . Merry Late Christmas to anyone who's reading this! (Probably no one) I know I had a great time with my family and everything. I got a new camera (which is awesome because i don't have a scanner at school), a couple new art books, an electric blanket (I hate the cold) and make up (because I didn't really own any . . .). I ate more food than imaginable and sadly I'm back on my diet.
Arts to be made . . . I want to copy some of the images from the books that I got to hopefully boost some creative power into me. I want to sketch a ton this break and work in photoshop (I have to put it back on my computer, though, I reformatted just a couple days ago). I want to do more cg painted portraits. I really admire people such as Budgie who do beautiful realistic paintings, and I've used various tutorials, and those are what is in the gallery right now, but after going to art school for just a semester, I feel as though I understand shading and proportions and other things more and that I can do so much better than what's in my gallery at the moment. So I'm going to strive to work on that. I brought my tablet home specially to practice during my month break.
I have also somehow gotten myself into drawing a maximum ride picture for my little sister. I still read the books because she gets them and they're her favorites and now she makes me keep up. I wanted to do something cool, like when she's in the School (the evil scientist lab) with her wings out and wires attatched to her. I want her to hang with her wings out for some reason. I'm sure I'll change it a dozen times though, so we shall see. I'm not totally sure she'll even get it haha.
Well, that's enough for now.
I need to put my animations and art on here, fix the about me side thing, and somehow make it shiny.
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